I thought I was just getting sick. I have been overworking
lately. Sore throat, lethargic, general yuckiness that would warrant a day off
of work. I thought I was pretty strong and over this. But spending the next
couple days in my pajamas and eating whatever is edible under my roof seems
like a brilliant idea. Only at 3:30 am, I am now questioning whether I am mourning
my miscarriage or just suffering from the blues? Maybe the blues are from the
miscarriage? But it has been two years!
I’m sure that everyone goes through feeling this way, that
feeling of helplessness and wanting to give up. I didn’t invent this emotion,
and I am certain that others are better at it.
I am tired of people saying things like “you better get
sleep now before a baby comes.” It takes very little to interrupt my sleep. I think that I am tired of trying. But I will keep
going though. My fear is probably my reality. I will probably die childless and
widowed, with 12 cats that I would accumulate after my husband’s death. These
cats would eat my face off before the neighbors reported the smell of decaying
flesh.
For anyone who has experienced a miscarriage I would
recommend not letting your mind dwell on these thoughts. First, because the
stray cat outside does need someone to feed her. Second, because even though
you may have given up on a baby at the moment, you can’t give up on life. So my
current plans are to keep trying but divert my attention to what parents can’t
do like go to England and try a hot air balloon ride; anything that you can’t
do with a baby. Any good suggestions?
© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro
Brannum, 2013-2015
