Hormonally Yours

I was pregnant for about nine weeks…………….and then I wasn’t.

I tried to be very strong. I wanted to be ready to try again. My body has other plans. I miscarried around my husband’s birthday, July 28^th, 2013. Here we are now, October 1^st, 2013 and I still have the human growth hormone (HGC). I have about six blood tests, two menstrual cycles and still show traces, and therefore may not ovulate. I have been told to use birth control although that seems counterproductive, and a waste of money.

So here we are just waiting. We were so excited to get pregnant and under such difficult circumstances. But when will we get the opportunity to try again? It is going on nine weeks since the miscarriage. Maybe this is normal? My OB/GYN is not giving me answers. But the babies and families are their main concern. That’s the gratifying part of their job. I can’t hold it against them. Pregnant women have that “glow”, watching the parent’s reaction as they see their child growing from an embryo to full term, the moment of birth. A middle aged hormonal woman who has given herself stretch marks with the help of one to many chocolates isn’t very exciting.

 © All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013        

Religion and Medical Masturbation.

Social and Religious etiquette tells us that masturbation is wrong and a sin. I am sure that it does not add much to a marriage if one partner is pleasing themselves, instead of sharing intimacy. In mine and Randy’s case of creating a family through insemination; the medical profession and religious affiliations clash. 

Most Doctors want to analyze what we are working with. Randy’s first test was 5 years ago for my OB/GYN who referred him to a urologist. Then his urologist wanted another one; then one three months, six months, and one year after his vericosele. Not to mention the two inseminations that he needed to provide samples for.  Randy has had to visit the small room with free porn over 8 times. I would consider him a professional now. Randy; a practicing Latter day Saint (LDS a.k.a. Mormon); when it comes to creating a family with your husband or wife, whatever you decide to do with your doctors is acceptable. For me, a practicing Catholic; the situation is a bit stickier.

The Catholic Church is not against insemination. They are against masturbation. They are also against using condoms. What if you need a collection for another reason? Randy was sent to the urologist because of a high amount of white blood cells (a sign of infection). Here is the catch 22.  The church is only in favor of insemination with your husbands semen, only if you use coitus interruptus or condom for collection. If fertility issues are caused from a low sperm count, there will be loss with the collection transfer. Catholics also do not believe in using condoms in a marriage, but this is the exception?! This IS so inconsistent to what I was taught about sexuality in religion. I was told that if you use a condom; essentially you are telling your partner that you do not love them enough to have a baby with them. This was so instrumental for me when I was a teen. I walked around with a sign on my forehead, proclaiming to all the young men, that no amount of super sizing my meal was going to work in their favor! I was Fort Knox. The thought of having to use one with my husband, is contradictory and pointless to our situation. The other options vary from testicular extraction to electro-ejaculation. That just sounds painful!

So; did I subject Randy to these strange methods? No. His penis; his choice and clearly his religion was okay with his method. So many men are as reluctant as cats on a leash to head over to the lab, yet willing to “play” when the analysis cup is away! He is an avant-garde man in this respect. Do I believe that my mans is going to hell for all the alone time? No, and he has not lost his vision or started growing hair on his palms either. In fact, he is a professional now. Below is a text from my friend at the fertility clinic where he helped out at her work. I’m sure the office was happy he came that day. Pun not intended but should be laughed at.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013         

Varicosele Resorce and Information and Myths about Men and Infertility

Here is some more information about male infertility and vericosele.

How Varicocele Repair Can Be an Effective Treatment

Myths About Men and Infertility

Birthday Angel

When you finally get pregnant, everyone has an opinion about how you stay fit. Don’t eat too much, not too little, no exercise, exercise, no alcohol, and no caffeine, don’t lift anything heavy. Nothing you can possibly do will be perfect. I am here to tell you that in your first trimester, you are at the mercy of nature.  This blog is not for the faint of heart or weak stomach. I discourage you to read if you do not like to hear about blood.

Randy and I just came home from Big Bear California for a mini vacation. I had leakage the entire trip. I was reassured that my pregnancy was okay. Randy and I finally submitted that we must have somehow forgotten to mark our calendar on some occasion.  My father’s installation in the Knights of Columbus was a Thursday, and Randy’s birthday was on Sunday July 28^th.  Thursday night I started bleeding again, this time at the installation. I didn’t want to go. I felt week, but knew that this was important to my father. At the installation I found out he told my aunt and uncle who I am not very close with. I had told him before that we were not letting everyone know until the first trimester was over just in case. After the installation was a pot luck dinner.  I took a trip to the ladies room and realized that I was bleeding through my pad and my black dress. I wanted to leave immediately. 

I was told I was 8 weeks pregnant.  When I got home I made a B-line straight to the restroom and shut the door. I was cramping. Not bad cramps though. The information available through books and internet say that bad cramps and back pain are indicators of miscarriages. I have had periods worse than this. This was still too bloody. I felt something come out of me; the same sensation if you have a heavy period and a tampon is soaked and comes out when you use the restroom.

                
I know my husband. He would have put his hand straight into the toilet weather I asked or not. Instead I asked him to fetch me one of those disposable bamboo skewers, and to not ask any questions or I would flush. What came out were clots, tissue, and fibrous material.  I called my aunt Maddie. She is an RN and not very squeamish. I know that she might know because she suffered a miscarriage. She suggested that it was just part of the uterus that I was told would exfoliate from the Crinone. She also suggested we save this in a Ziploc in the refrigerator,  go to the Doctor tomorrow, (because the bleeding was the same as one of my periods and not enough to put me at risk of hemorrhaging).

               
On Friday the Doctor was in surgery and the office had to cancel all his appointments. We went in anyway, to see the nurse, and get two STAT blood tests to check my Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) levels. This was not how Randy and I wanted to spend his birthday weekend. Over the weekend I knew my body, but Maddie and Randy wanted to remain positive. Maddie and I got my blood drawn on Friday and again on Monday. My appointment with Ms. Mona was on Tuesday and I was fully expecting bad news. Ms. Mona confirmed it. We lost our baby. After leaving the doctor's, Randy looked like he wanted to punch someone. We both took two cars, so he could go to school after our appointment.  I let him tell his mother and father. I told the other friends over text. I did not want to talk about it.

               
Reflecting now, Randy got an angel for his birthday. We were able to get pregnant, and that is a hurdle that we never thought we would get over. I took two days off from work, but it was a rotten time. We were short staffed. I gave myself only two days to cry. I neglected housework, cooking and only concentrated on schoolwork and my business. This is part of why I hate the saying “children are a gift from God”.  How could God bless so many 17 year old girls on MTV but not me? I know God has a plan, but I cannot accept people saying this. Babies are biology; the product of  a choice one makes. Randy and I were praying for a healthy baby, we got a perfect angel instead.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013             

June 16, 2013 Fathers Day

Fast forward to this year and Randy’s second vericosele surgery and we are still not pregnant. The date is June6th.  I am supposed to start the very next day. His surgery is set for 12:30 pm but was pushed back to 5 pm. I let him eat, drink, and snuck him Icebreaker mints without guilt. He was already going through enough. This time we were by ourselves because we did not want his parents to worry.  In true Randy fashion, he wanted to fix the hospitals phone jack that was hanging off the wall since his last surgery. The nurse forgot to flush his I.V. for two hours. Finally he was wheeled off. Dr. L asked if we were still trying. He had performed three other vericosele procedures and all three men got their wives pregnant.

Two and a half hours later, his doctor came to talk to me. He said that even though the procedure is not usually effective on the right side, there were a lot of veins that could be cauterized even if they did not have a large vericosele grade. He wished me luck and I gave him a pack of peanut M&M’s.

Little did we know; we were pregnant. After nine days of being late, we decided that I should schedule a blood test on the following Monday. But that Sunday was Fathers’ day. I was scheduled to work and so was Randy. He was planning on visiting his parents after work. Curiosity got the best of me. I took the pregnancy test that came with the ovulation tests. One of the lines was faint. I did not trust it. I decided to get a digital test on my way to work.

At work I was on edge. I took the test and the three minutes seemed to take forever. One of my coworkers was also edgy. He happens to have six children. I could not contain myself. I asked him if he was "expecting". He was trying to be coy with me. My suspicion was right. He found out that day that he was going to be a father again. I pulled out my test to see the results and my eyes bulged out. I was ecstatic but really just wanted to see my husband. I called my manager and said that I have to leave. My work understood. They know my struggles and my work ethic. They have been very accommodating because my fertility specialist schedules my visits depending on my cycles. I rushed to see my husband at the happiest place on earth, Disneyland. He works there on the weekends. My sister was there. I was able to get her to stall him. My brother in law was able to video his reaction.

We were shocked. May was such a busy month and we were very busy with friends visiting and a family wedding in Las Vegas. I think we actually only had tried three times that month and only once when I was ovulating. This may sound bad for a marriage but for infertile couples sometimes a break and some spontaneity is really good. We would not say that age old saying, “if you stop trying it will happen,” but more like when you are too busy to think about it, because it is just an inconvenient time; it might happen.  For the moment we just enjoyed winning a small battle with infertility and told only those who would help us in case of miscarriage.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013

Clomid and Comedy

As we go through infertility treatments, we get a lot of questions. Those don’t bother me. In fact, I would rather be open about it. However, it can and will get used against you. My fertility specialist Dr. S. put me on the hormone Clomid in the California summer heat wave. One of the side effects besides regular PMS is hot flashes. I could tell if the temperature was over 72° Fahrenheit. I certainly was moody but working with a bunch of women who also get PMS, I was the only one who got the blame. Any work tiff or squabble was my entire fault. I was on hormones; it wasn’t them. I didn’t have to say much either. Mistake on paperwork? She’s hormonal. Say something wrong, it’s your hormones. Mad because I disrespected your workspace? Must be the Clomid. People will ask about your condition and journey but please, don’t give them ammunition to blame everything on you. Any little issue with ineptitude, well, missy you just can’t discuss it because you’re hormonal and you usually would be able to tolerate it. Do not dismiss people’s ability to avoid accountability.

           
You and your partner’s genitals will also be judged. Everyone assumes that it is a woman’s problem. Not that I want people passing judgment on my husband’s junk either. When people meet you one of the first questions they ask is “do you have kids?” if you are not a rocket scientist they will want to know why. My great-aunt actually asked me in the middle of a painful family baby shower if I got regular periods! Talk about TMI! I let her know that I have no issues with my body. So she pressed and pressed. Finally, I just asked how many periods she has.

            
I was also told by my aunt Maddie, that she knew when I was a baby, that I was going to have a difficult time getting pregnant. Why? Because my mother suffered from endometriosis. It took her a full year to get pregnant. When her and my father decided to go seek medical help they found out they were expecting me. I was not that lucky. I was hurt that I was being judged so severely at a young age when I was never a factor. My cycle is clockwork. In my teen years, I did have a very heavy flow and did need to see a doctor, but nothing that would indicate pregnancy issues. My cousin had her appendix burst when she was young. Her fallopian tubes were damaged in the process. She had no choice but to go the IVF route. I have no such history. But again, I’m the one on hormones and Maddie could never be insensitive, right?

            
I did and still do have my moments of craziness but mostly by myself. Going through fertility treatments is insane. Albert Einstein said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. That is infertility treatments in a nutshell; and menstruation is how you know that your efforts are in vain. One day, on a particularly heavy start to my period; I found out that Walgreen's, Target and Wall-Mart do not carry my particular brand of tampons in “your uterus just exploded” size. These were available on-line only. Just what every bleeding girl wants to hear, on-line order only. Okay? Where are the adult diapers!? I had to hide the ugly cry in the store. I called my husband hysterically crying. I had to go to my fourth store that day, CVS which was my only hope and I am forever grateful to them. If anything, this journey will give them my repeat business.

            
Did I mention aunt Maddie called me each day to find out if I was pregnant? Most of her conversations started with “hi, are you pregnant yet?” this was ok, just not 48 days in a row.  This leads to answers like “no, I’m still on my period” or “I’m not ovulating yet”. Or better yet, I learned to let it go to voice mail. The problem with being open is that you will get feedback good and bad, the downside is holding everything inside.  

  

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013