Why did this Mother's Day Matter?

This Mother’s day was bitter. Not only do I not have a mother to share the day with but no one accredited the fact that, by this time, I should have been a mother. I don’t blame them.  It could be a scary thing, not knowing how I would respond, but so many people are quick to tell me to relax, adopt, and how acupuncture changed one of their friends cousins sister-in-law’s fertility. So, then why be timid now? A simple, “I’m thinking of you today,” that’s all, nothing more. I can’t promise that I will not cry because I tear up just thinking of these words.

I thought that I would be okay to work. I work mostly every Mother’s day. That is what you do when you don’t have children or a close relationship with your own mother.  But this Mother’s day I felt resentful, hurt, ignored, and abandoned. Not by my husband or cats who got me an obligatory Mother’s day card and woke my husband and me up by snuggling just like how I used to wake up my parents and grandparents, another reminder that we do not have a baby there like we should have.

Miscarriages are not to be ignored. The people who have shared our journey; who we shared our secret with before we miscarried could at lease acknowledge that we lost a part of our family. I guess hallmark doesn’t make a card for that?

I am posting after Mother’s day because, in truth, many people did think about me but were too shy to say it on Mother’s day and I needed time to digest my feelings. I received 5 messages early on the Monday after. Each message brought me to tears. There are two links below that were shared with me by two people who had the courage to face my tears. Tears that I have probably held back, telling myself that it was God’s will and that it was his way of saying that this will happen on his time.  I believe it was his will, and I also believe that I still may never have children if that is also his will. But this Mother’s day I needed to feel these tears fogging up my glasses, to mourn what I suppressed, that I too, am now a mother. I had a heart beat in my womb and it died there, because of this single heartbeat, this Mother’s day does matter.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bonding-time/2014/05/when-you-didnt-get-the-mother-you-deserved/

PMS, Premenopause, or just a worry-wart?

So it may have been foolish to think that the month after my D&C I would get pregnant, but I would be lying to everyone if I did not admit that those were my hopes. Every woman has PMS symptoms. For me, I have only experienced pregnancy once. That was right before Randy's second surgery, and I was so thoroughly convinced that I was experiencing really really really bad PMS that I overlooked the idea until I was nine days late. My breasts were so sore. As if they went jogging on their own half marathon sore. I said several times that I could not wait till I my period to finally start.

This month I had the same symptoms, sore, tender, vulnerable, helpless, breasts. Which is also a perimenopause symptom to throw a fly in the ointment. Pregnancy, PMS, and Menopause all have the same effect on women. Feeling crappy. How is a woman to know which she is experiencing. This is why we have turned into a bunch of hypochondriacs looking up every symptom on sites like WebMD. Every generation has new names for menstruation, "aunt Flow", "surfing the crimson wave", "Shark week" (a name a young friend of mine introduced me to), "riding the cotton pony", "Dexter is in town" (after the Showtime Series). I will just hope for the best. If I am starting menopause, there is nothing I can really do about it anyway. Maybe I will just search on Google tonight; just in case.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

New year, new conception

With the New Year, I have gotten new caution. I’m sure many of my TTC couples would come to my defense. But, instead I'm sure that children are a life changer. How can anyone ever be prepared or for that matter to be absolutely 100% sure about parenthood? I’m sure that there are many who can, but I struggle daily with what I want for lunch. What I will say is that I am very frugal, and the cost that my husband and I have incurred is not even a tenth of what anyone going through IVF is going to incur.

The truth is there was I time I was desperate and also a time that I dread becoming a parent. Now in hindsight it may never happen, but I am not giving up and if it never happens I can adopt. With my own mother/daughter experience, I don’t believe birth makes someone a true mother.  

This caution came from my aunt, who after my surgery asked me if I was pregnant yet, one of her favorite lines.  I mentioned that I was not pregnant, and that I am at peace as to whether it happens or not. I told her how I see parents struggling with the financial responsibility of having children, and I that I would place my faith in God. She quickly mentioned how she wants to be stuck in the same boat as her.

The very day of my D&C, I told her how my doctor’s appointment was. She said, “be careful what you wish for”. Even now I do not know what to reply. Either I should try and get pregnant or I shouldn’t? I didn’t ask. She thinks that she had an infertility issue because she and her husband tried for over a year with their second child. What I do know is that my husband did not undergo two painful surgeries only for us to end this project. I know that there is no fairness in insurance, and I am pretty sure that the ACA is not going to change that. I know that we were lucky that the insurance paid for my husband’s surgery. I know that my fertility drugs were expensive as were our IUI’s. I know that my paperwork for my D&C approval stated abortion and my insurance covered it with the exception of my copay. I know that terminating a life is covered while trying to procreate is very expensive.  I leave you with information from the Planned Parenthood healthcare center’s website. Think about life, and the cost that can be attached to those who are trying to conceive, and those who are trying not to. Our current government wants taxpayers to pay for birth control. That takes money out of the pockets of those battling a more expensive infertility journey than my own.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

"In-Clinic Abortion Procedures at a Glance

Medical procedures that end pregnancy

Safe and effective

Available from many Planned Parenthood health centers

Costs about $300–$950 in the first trimester

Nationwide, the cost at health centers ranges from about $300 to $1,700 for abortion in the first trimester. The cost is usually more for a second-trimester abortion. Costs vary depending on how long you've been pregnant and where you go. Hospitals generally cost mor.e” (plannedparenthood.org)

plannedparenthood.org abortion info

Dusting & Cleaning

The day after my D&C or what the nurses affectionately called the Dusting & Cleaning.

Did it hurt? No, only the anesthetic makes you groggy. The nurses gave me their condolences thinking that it was recent. They had never heard of a D&C being performed after four months, and were even more surprised when they inquired about which doctor let me go so far, being fertility challenged. He has a great reputation, and an office staff that is falling apart.

The facility was nice and clean. The nurses were friendly, knowledgeable, and had an appropriate sense of humor.  Upon waking up from the surgery, it felt as if I was having cramps similar to the first day of my period. Nothing Pamprin could not handle. I was more dizzy and lightheaded from the anesthesia. My instructions were simple. No Driving for 24 hours. No alcohol. No signing of legal documents. Do not stay alone for the remainder of the day. Watch out for fever, increased pain, redness, swelling, drainage or discharge. No sex for two weeks. After all, this was a symptom of my husband giving me cooties! After the surgery, my friend and my hubby went to a local restaurant where I could get a bowl of soup. Clearman's Northwood’s Inn located in Covina, California. It was fabulous as always, and then I was ready to sleep. And sleep I did. About 4 hours after lunch.

I took a day off of work which I do not like doing. I am feeling heavy headed still. With the day off I am going stir crazy. My head has been spinning. My aunt Maddie called and asked how I was feeling. I mentioned that I will be ovulating on January 3^rd (my cousins CeeCee’s birthday). She then said, “be careful what you wish for”. I have no clue how to respond to that. Sometimes I don't know if she listens to the words coming out of her mouth. I'm 37 year old now. I have come to the conclusion that any of my friends who needs a kid break from their own kiddos; I can help them. I'm at peace with whatever God has planned for my future. In the meantime, I have a lot of resting to do. Hopefully I can post some pictures of my cleaned uterus later; or maybe not. It really does look like cobwebs that needed a good ole’ dusting & cleaning.

 © All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013

D&C Day

Its 1:13 am. I will be finally getting the D&C surgery I should have had about four months ago. Inevitably when one is supposed to have surgery, one should not eat or drink even water before, which is when the subject is the thirstiest.

I went to see my new doctor, Dr. B, a week ago. He received all my records from me after I picked them up myself from Dr. W. He said that we would get this surgery a.s.a.p. and definitely before Christmas. I received all except for the one blood test that I hand delivered from Dr. L on my first appointment when we discovered our pregnancy, which they conveniently lost. This would explain why I was told when I miscarried from Ms. Mona,“you might be low in progesterone.” Ya think?!

After looking at my records and my ultrasound I have an Endometrial Polyp. Most likely from the miscarriage, and why my HGC levels have not balanced out, and why I feel like I’m stuck in a Doctor Who episode(Amy Pond was pregnant/not pregnant too).  I am ready to put this behind me. I know that this was developmental and not malpractice. I do believe that I was neglected. I should not have bled in a healthy pregnancy. I should not have had to take the amount of blood tests after my miscarriage, or had to ask for a surgery, ultrasound or medication. When I was having nine day periods after this miscarriage, the Doctor should have been proactive.  

No one will fight for you, or for your journey. Do not let anyone in your health treatment pass you over. I didn't want anyone to take a day off of work, so I was having one of my dearest friend take me; who is regrettably unemployed at the moment. Unfortunately Randy is going to take the day off of work regardless, because of a gout flare-up. So in the later morning hours we will both be off to the doctors. Wish me and him luck please.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013

Nine blood tests and counting....

How many months and blood tests does one Doctor need?

I have lost the count after nine.

The fact that we are now in mid-November, having cycles that are lasting nine miserable days, and I have yet to find out if I need Medication, an ultrasound or a D&C (Dilation and Curettage procedure, a surgical procedure to remove abnormal tissues in the uterine lining). So I do what every hormonal woman would do after nine blood tests; I called my Gynecologist office and said that I am not going to get another blood test and that they needed to decide now which of the three I should have.

The doctor decided that it would be a D&C. Sounds simple enough, right? No. In order to get the D&C I needed approval from my insurance. So while I am vacationing in Seattle; I get a call from the doctor’s office, and they have the approval. I make my appointment, and the scheduler wants me to get a blood and urine test. Ugh! Really!? Another? You can’t be serious? Sadly they were. So Tuesday November 12; after flying home from Seattle, I go straight to the doctor’s office to get that lab slip. 

You would think that I would have some paperwork waiting for me, or even the directions to where this surgery will take place, but no. Instead I needed to fight for the lab slip from the coordinator, who tells me knows that I need to fill out paperwork. She never said any of this before. We have a discussion that basically comes down to me receiving my lab paperwork, and the coordinator will talk to the doctor. Apparently there are some consent forms that I need to fill out first. I suspect that they would give me some sort of “what to do” form, as well as an address where the procedure would take place. I get my lab work fulfilled on Wednesday and wait for the coordinators call. I never get one. I call on Friday and only get the answering service who said, "what do you want me to do about it". Good question. I have no idea? What action do you take when your physician is not paying attention to you for four months after your miscarriage?  They were unhelpful and ended up hanging up on me. Now they are acting as if I am not negotiable. Rightly so! I have been patient for four months. Now I have gone from zero to bitch in three seconds flat. So I do what any hormonally charged infertile woman would do after having tolerance for over four months. I decided that this is not the OB/GYN for me. Ms. Mona and Dr. L have treated me like the needy stepchild who is annoying you. After having so much loyalty as a patient, this was not the ending I would have envisioned. Dr. L has helped deliver my family and friends.

Once Randy and I have made this decision, there is no turning back, but now the calls come all morning long. First I got a call back from the answering service asking if I want them to call the scheduler. I said no. just make sure that the Doctor’s time has been respected more than mine and let him know that I will not be there on Monday. Next the hospital called. I finally had it and expressed everything that has happened to me for the past four months. I was asked to tell the director of the hospital. I was called back by him, and he expressed his concern and said that he personally was going to report to the doctor. I mentioned that this will not change my mind. 

The Monday that I was supposed to have my D&C, Randy and I made a visit to my general practitioner and asked for a referral. I did my homework well. I called my insurance group and inquired about all the OB/GYN’s, called them all to see who’s office was friendly and helpful and who was taking more patients. Together we made a decision with my general practitioner and ordered a Pelvic Ultrasound and a referral to another local doctor.

 © All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013

Hormonally Yours

I was pregnant for about nine weeks…………….and then I wasn’t.

I tried to be very strong. I wanted to be ready to try again. My body has other plans. I miscarried around my husband’s birthday, July 28^th, 2013. Here we are now, October 1^st, 2013 and I still have the human growth hormone (HGC). I have about six blood tests, two menstrual cycles and still show traces, and therefore may not ovulate. I have been told to use birth control although that seems counterproductive, and a waste of money.

So here we are just waiting. We were so excited to get pregnant and under such difficult circumstances. But when will we get the opportunity to try again? It is going on nine weeks since the miscarriage. Maybe this is normal? My OB/GYN is not giving me answers. But the babies and families are their main concern. That’s the gratifying part of their job. I can’t hold it against them. Pregnant women have that “glow”, watching the parent’s reaction as they see their child growing from an embryo to full term, the moment of birth. A middle aged hormonal woman who has given herself stretch marks with the help of one to many chocolates isn’t very exciting.

 © All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013