Man on Clomid

Since playing a medical baby roulette, my husband and I are trying a different approach to the same old IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). We are taking a two to three month break as he goes back to his urologist to see what we can do to boost numbers. We are also trying some new vitamins (FertileAid®, OvuBoost®, DEHA). 

However, those are not what I am discussing today. Today is about being hormonal or rather, him being hormonal. After two years of hearing about other husbands on Clomid (clomiphene citrate) through online support groups, we finally had his new Kaiser urologist suggest it. A big shout out to my TTC Facebook groups. This is experimental and has been successful in increasing sperm production. His doctor ordered a before and after analysis to see for any improvement. Of course, I will post the results when this happens. Only time will tell. He has pulled the “I’m hormonal” card though. 

Now I have been on Clomid – a lot of Clomid. Above the recommended dose and enough to induce hot flashes.  When I was on Clomid, my husband did not notice any significant mood swings, grumpy, or emotional changes. Work was a different story. As I shared my experience with coworkers, it backfired. I was suddenly the only woman around with a period and who could possibly be PMSing. My husband was the one who pointed this out by the way.  I came home from work crying because everyone said I was hormonal. Mind you, he knew the women I worked with from helping with maintenance.  He noticed that the girls blaming me for every situation. Now the tables have turned and my lovely hubby is on Clomid. We do not know the side effects yet but maybe now we will not argue over watching a chick flick or just wanting a hug. 
 
© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Seven Year Itch

So as a wake up to give myself a a dose of Progesterone, there she, is aunt flow letting me know that my 4th Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is a failure. Today is my 39th birthday. Most people would never think that my husband and I at our age are just starting a family. They haven't seen the seven going on eight year struggle with two surgical procedures, one miscarriage, and 4 failed IUI's. I will have to get around giving fake smiles and thank you so to everyone. These are the hidden moments of infertility that no one sees. These are the things that we hide. My husband and I miscarried three years ago on his birthday. These are hidden examples of how the disease of infertility chips away at any hope.

Most people cannot handle infertility and the pain it gives. Imagine if I let everyone who wished me a happy birthday know how upset I am? Imagine if I was at work today? The stiff upper lip is what you see with most infertile couples. And the truth is that for as many people who say that they are there for you, are some of the same people who would avoid me if I ever did open up.  

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Two years ago today

Two years ago today, I found out that I was pregnant while at work. I was not the only one who got this news. A coworker got a text from his girlfriend notifying him that he was going to be expecting his seventh child. While he and his girlfriend ended up having a healthy baby, who will be three next year, I miscarried. He also had at that point three baby mamas. He also decided before this child was born that he was going to leave his pregnant girlfriend.

I found out last night that another coworker who I trusted just had a baby with this man. These two had lied about their relationship. The company we worked at never had a dating policy, so there was no threat as we were all independent contractors. The coworker who just had a baby has also had two previous abortions. So Octodad and Momonator have a new baby, making her his fourth baby mama while I have not been able to get pregnant again.

It is hard not to be frustrated. It is hard not to be judgmental. Here I am on Father’s Day, after eight years of trying, still not pregnant but with a fabulous sinus infection. The truth is life is not fair. God cannot work this way. Biology and peoples choices make things like this happen. I pray for those eight children. Oh what I would have given to have just one. Just one to make my husband a father – he would be a great father. One with integrity and love. One thing I know for sure, Randy would definitely be a better father than I a mother would make.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Maybe No Baby.........

I thought I was just getting sick. I have been overworking lately. Sore throat, lethargic, general yuckiness that would warrant a day off of work. I thought I was pretty strong and over this. But spending the next couple days in my pajamas and eating whatever is edible under my roof seems like a brilliant idea. Only at 3:30 am, I am now questioning whether I am mourning my miscarriage or just suffering from the blues? Maybe the blues are from the miscarriage? But it has been two years!

I’m sure that everyone goes through feeling this way, that feeling of helplessness and wanting to give up. I didn’t invent this emotion, and I am certain that others are better at it. 

I am tired of people saying things like “you better get sleep now before a baby comes.” It takes very little to interrupt my sleep.  I think that I am tired of trying. But I will keep going though. My fear is probably my reality. I will probably die childless and widowed, with 12 cats that I would accumulate after my husband’s death. These cats would eat my face off before the neighbors reported the smell of decaying flesh.

For anyone who has experienced a miscarriage I would recommend not letting your mind dwell on these thoughts. First, because the stray cat outside does need someone to feed her. Second, because even though you may have given up on a baby at the moment, you can’t give up on life. So my current plans are to keep trying but divert my attention to what parents can’t do like go to England and try a hot air balloon ride; anything that you can’t do with a baby. Any good suggestions?

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Why did this Mother's Day Matter?

This Mother’s day was bitter. Not only do I not have a mother to share the day with but no one accredited the fact that, by this time, I should have been a mother. I don’t blame them.  It could be a scary thing, not knowing how I would respond, but so many people are quick to tell me to relax, adopt, and how acupuncture changed one of their friends cousins sister-in-law’s fertility. So, then why be timid now? A simple, “I’m thinking of you today,” that’s all, nothing more. I can’t promise that I will not cry because I tear up just thinking of these words.

I thought that I would be okay to work. I work mostly every Mother’s day. That is what you do when you don’t have children or a close relationship with your own mother.  But this Mother’s day I felt resentful, hurt, ignored, and abandoned. Not by my husband or cats who got me an obligatory Mother’s day card and woke my husband and me up by snuggling just like how I used to wake up my parents and grandparents, another reminder that we do not have a baby there like we should have.

Miscarriages are not to be ignored. The people who have shared our journey; who we shared our secret with before we miscarried could at lease acknowledge that we lost a part of our family. I guess hallmark doesn’t make a card for that?

I am posting after Mother’s day because, in truth, many people did think about me but were too shy to say it on Mother’s day and I needed time to digest my feelings. I received 5 messages early on the Monday after. Each message brought me to tears. There are two links below that were shared with me by two people who had the courage to face my tears. Tears that I have probably held back, telling myself that it was God’s will and that it was his way of saying that this will happen on his time.  I believe it was his will, and I also believe that I still may never have children if that is also his will. But this Mother’s day I needed to feel these tears fogging up my glasses, to mourn what I suppressed, that I too, am now a mother. I had a heart beat in my womb and it died there, because of this single heartbeat, this Mother’s day does matter.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bonding-time/2014/05/when-you-didnt-get-the-mother-you-deserved/

PMS, Premenopause, or just a worry-wart?

So it may have been foolish to think that the month after my D&C I would get pregnant, but I would be lying to everyone if I did not admit that those were my hopes. Every woman has PMS symptoms. For me, I have only experienced pregnancy once. That was right before Randy's second surgery, and I was so thoroughly convinced that I was experiencing really really really bad PMS that I overlooked the idea until I was nine days late. My breasts were so sore. As if they went jogging on their own half marathon sore. I said several times that I could not wait till I my period to finally start.

This month I had the same symptoms, sore, tender, vulnerable, helpless, breasts. Which is also a perimenopause symptom to throw a fly in the ointment. Pregnancy, PMS, and Menopause all have the same effect on women. Feeling crappy. How is a woman to know which she is experiencing. This is why we have turned into a bunch of hypochondriacs looking up every symptom on sites like WebMD. Every generation has new names for menstruation, "aunt Flow", "surfing the crimson wave", "Shark week" (a name a young friend of mine introduced me to), "riding the cotton pony", "Dexter is in town" (after the Showtime Series). I will just hope for the best. If I am starting menopause, there is nothing I can really do about it anyway. Maybe I will just search on Google tonight; just in case.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014