Two years ago today

Two years ago today, I found out that I was pregnant while at work. I was not the only one who got this news. A coworker got a text from his girlfriend notifying him that he was going to be expecting his seventh child. While he and his girlfriend ended up having a healthy baby, who will be three next year, I miscarried. He also had at that point three baby mamas. He also decided before this child was born that he was going to leave his pregnant girlfriend.

I found out last night that another coworker who I trusted just had a baby with this man. These two had lied about their relationship. The company we worked at never had a dating policy, so there was no threat as we were all independent contractors. The coworker who just had a baby has also had two previous abortions. So Octodad and Momonator have a new baby, making her his fourth baby mama while I have not been able to get pregnant again.

It is hard not to be frustrated. It is hard not to be judgmental. Here I am on Father’s Day, after eight years of trying, still not pregnant but with a fabulous sinus infection. The truth is life is not fair. God cannot work this way. Biology and peoples choices make things like this happen. I pray for those eight children. Oh what I would have given to have just one. Just one to make my husband a father – he would be a great father. One with integrity and love. One thing I know for sure, Randy would definitely be a better father than I a mother would make.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Maybe No Baby.........

I thought I was just getting sick. I have been overworking lately. Sore throat, lethargic, general yuckiness that would warrant a day off of work. I thought I was pretty strong and over this. But spending the next couple days in my pajamas and eating whatever is edible under my roof seems like a brilliant idea. Only at 3:30 am, I am now questioning whether I am mourning my miscarriage or just suffering from the blues? Maybe the blues are from the miscarriage? But it has been two years!

I’m sure that everyone goes through feeling this way, that feeling of helplessness and wanting to give up. I didn’t invent this emotion, and I am certain that others are better at it. 

I am tired of people saying things like “you better get sleep now before a baby comes.” It takes very little to interrupt my sleep.  I think that I am tired of trying. But I will keep going though. My fear is probably my reality. I will probably die childless and widowed, with 12 cats that I would accumulate after my husband’s death. These cats would eat my face off before the neighbors reported the smell of decaying flesh.

For anyone who has experienced a miscarriage I would recommend not letting your mind dwell on these thoughts. First, because the stray cat outside does need someone to feed her. Second, because even though you may have given up on a baby at the moment, you can’t give up on life. So my current plans are to keep trying but divert my attention to what parents can’t do like go to England and try a hot air balloon ride; anything that you can’t do with a baby. Any good suggestions?

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2015

Why did this Mother's Day Matter?

This Mother’s day was bitter. Not only do I not have a mother to share the day with but no one accredited the fact that, by this time, I should have been a mother. I don’t blame them.  It could be a scary thing, not knowing how I would respond, but so many people are quick to tell me to relax, adopt, and how acupuncture changed one of their friends cousins sister-in-law’s fertility. So, then why be timid now? A simple, “I’m thinking of you today,” that’s all, nothing more. I can’t promise that I will not cry because I tear up just thinking of these words.

I thought that I would be okay to work. I work mostly every Mother’s day. That is what you do when you don’t have children or a close relationship with your own mother.  But this Mother’s day I felt resentful, hurt, ignored, and abandoned. Not by my husband or cats who got me an obligatory Mother’s day card and woke my husband and me up by snuggling just like how I used to wake up my parents and grandparents, another reminder that we do not have a baby there like we should have.

Miscarriages are not to be ignored. The people who have shared our journey; who we shared our secret with before we miscarried could at lease acknowledge that we lost a part of our family. I guess hallmark doesn’t make a card for that?

I am posting after Mother’s day because, in truth, many people did think about me but were too shy to say it on Mother’s day and I needed time to digest my feelings. I received 5 messages early on the Monday after. Each message brought me to tears. There are two links below that were shared with me by two people who had the courage to face my tears. Tears that I have probably held back, telling myself that it was God’s will and that it was his way of saying that this will happen on his time.  I believe it was his will, and I also believe that I still may never have children if that is also his will. But this Mother’s day I needed to feel these tears fogging up my glasses, to mourn what I suppressed, that I too, am now a mother. I had a heart beat in my womb and it died there, because of this single heartbeat, this Mother’s day does matter.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bonding-time/2014/05/when-you-didnt-get-the-mother-you-deserved/

PMS, Premenopause, or just a worry-wart?

So it may have been foolish to think that the month after my D&C I would get pregnant, but I would be lying to everyone if I did not admit that those were my hopes. Every woman has PMS symptoms. For me, I have only experienced pregnancy once. That was right before Randy's second surgery, and I was so thoroughly convinced that I was experiencing really really really bad PMS that I overlooked the idea until I was nine days late. My breasts were so sore. As if they went jogging on their own half marathon sore. I said several times that I could not wait till I my period to finally start.

This month I had the same symptoms, sore, tender, vulnerable, helpless, breasts. Which is also a perimenopause symptom to throw a fly in the ointment. Pregnancy, PMS, and Menopause all have the same effect on women. Feeling crappy. How is a woman to know which she is experiencing. This is why we have turned into a bunch of hypochondriacs looking up every symptom on sites like WebMD. Every generation has new names for menstruation, "aunt Flow", "surfing the crimson wave", "Shark week" (a name a young friend of mine introduced me to), "riding the cotton pony", "Dexter is in town" (after the Showtime Series). I will just hope for the best. If I am starting menopause, there is nothing I can really do about it anyway. Maybe I will just search on Google tonight; just in case.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

New year, new conception

With the New Year, I have gotten new caution. I’m sure many of my TTC couples would come to my defense. But, instead I'm sure that children are a life changer. How can anyone ever be prepared or for that matter to be absolutely 100% sure about parenthood? I’m sure that there are many who can, but I struggle daily with what I want for lunch. What I will say is that I am very frugal, and the cost that my husband and I have incurred is not even a tenth of what anyone going through IVF is going to incur.

The truth is there was I time I was desperate and also a time that I dread becoming a parent. Now in hindsight it may never happen, but I am not giving up and if it never happens I can adopt. With my own mother/daughter experience, I don’t believe birth makes someone a true mother.  

This caution came from my aunt, who after my surgery asked me if I was pregnant yet, one of her favorite lines.  I mentioned that I was not pregnant, and that I am at peace as to whether it happens or not. I told her how I see parents struggling with the financial responsibility of having children, and I that I would place my faith in God. She quickly mentioned how she wants to be stuck in the same boat as her.

The very day of my D&C, I told her how my doctor’s appointment was. She said, “be careful what you wish for”. Even now I do not know what to reply. Either I should try and get pregnant or I shouldn’t? I didn’t ask. She thinks that she had an infertility issue because she and her husband tried for over a year with their second child. What I do know is that my husband did not undergo two painful surgeries only for us to end this project. I know that there is no fairness in insurance, and I am pretty sure that the ACA is not going to change that. I know that we were lucky that the insurance paid for my husband’s surgery. I know that my fertility drugs were expensive as were our IUI’s. I know that my paperwork for my D&C approval stated abortion and my insurance covered it with the exception of my copay. I know that terminating a life is covered while trying to procreate is very expensive.  I leave you with information from the Planned Parenthood healthcare center’s website. Think about life, and the cost that can be attached to those who are trying to conceive, and those who are trying not to. Our current government wants taxpayers to pay for birth control. That takes money out of the pockets of those battling a more expensive infertility journey than my own.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

"In-Clinic Abortion Procedures at a Glance

Medical procedures that end pregnancy

Safe and effective

Available from many Planned Parenthood health centers

Costs about $300–$950 in the first trimester

Nationwide, the cost at health centers ranges from about $300 to $1,700 for abortion in the first trimester. The cost is usually more for a second-trimester abortion. Costs vary depending on how long you've been pregnant and where you go. Hospitals generally cost mor.e” (plannedparenthood.org)

plannedparenthood.org abortion info

Dusting & Cleaning

The day after my D&C or what the nurses affectionately called the Dusting & Cleaning.

Did it hurt? No, only the anesthetic makes you groggy. The nurses gave me their condolences thinking that it was recent. They had never heard of a D&C being performed after four months, and were even more surprised when they inquired about which doctor let me go so far, being fertility challenged. He has a great reputation, and an office staff that is falling apart.

The facility was nice and clean. The nurses were friendly, knowledgeable, and had an appropriate sense of humor.  Upon waking up from the surgery, it felt as if I was having cramps similar to the first day of my period. Nothing Pamprin could not handle. I was more dizzy and lightheaded from the anesthesia. My instructions were simple. No Driving for 24 hours. No alcohol. No signing of legal documents. Do not stay alone for the remainder of the day. Watch out for fever, increased pain, redness, swelling, drainage or discharge. No sex for two weeks. After all, this was a symptom of my husband giving me cooties! After the surgery, my friend and my hubby went to a local restaurant where I could get a bowl of soup. Clearman's Northwood’s Inn located in Covina, California. It was fabulous as always, and then I was ready to sleep. And sleep I did. About 4 hours after lunch.

I took a day off of work which I do not like doing. I am feeling heavy headed still. With the day off I am going stir crazy. My head has been spinning. My aunt Maddie called and asked how I was feeling. I mentioned that I will be ovulating on January 3^rd (my cousins CeeCee’s birthday). She then said, “be careful what you wish for”. I have no clue how to respond to that. Sometimes I don't know if she listens to the words coming out of her mouth. I'm 37 year old now. I have come to the conclusion that any of my friends who needs a kid break from their own kiddos; I can help them. I'm at peace with whatever God has planned for my future. In the meantime, I have a lot of resting to do. Hopefully I can post some pictures of my cleaned uterus later; or maybe not. It really does look like cobwebs that needed a good ole’ dusting & cleaning.

 © All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013

D&C Day

Its 1:13 am. I will be finally getting the D&C surgery I should have had about four months ago. Inevitably when one is supposed to have surgery, one should not eat or drink even water before, which is when the subject is the thirstiest.

I went to see my new doctor, Dr. B, a week ago. He received all my records from me after I picked them up myself from Dr. W. He said that we would get this surgery a.s.a.p. and definitely before Christmas. I received all except for the one blood test that I hand delivered from Dr. L on my first appointment when we discovered our pregnancy, which they conveniently lost. This would explain why I was told when I miscarried from Ms. Mona,“you might be low in progesterone.” Ya think?!

After looking at my records and my ultrasound I have an Endometrial Polyp. Most likely from the miscarriage, and why my HGC levels have not balanced out, and why I feel like I’m stuck in a Doctor Who episode(Amy Pond was pregnant/not pregnant too).  I am ready to put this behind me. I know that this was developmental and not malpractice. I do believe that I was neglected. I should not have bled in a healthy pregnancy. I should not have had to take the amount of blood tests after my miscarriage, or had to ask for a surgery, ultrasound or medication. When I was having nine day periods after this miscarriage, the Doctor should have been proactive.  

No one will fight for you, or for your journey. Do not let anyone in your health treatment pass you over. I didn't want anyone to take a day off of work, so I was having one of my dearest friend take me; who is regrettably unemployed at the moment. Unfortunately Randy is going to take the day off of work regardless, because of a gout flare-up. So in the later morning hours we will both be off to the doctors. Wish me and him luck please.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2013