Why did this Mother's Day Matter?

This Mother’s day was bitter. Not only do I not have a mother to share the day with but no one accredited the fact that, by this time, I should have been a mother. I don’t blame them.  It could be a scary thing, not knowing how I would respond, but so many people are quick to tell me to relax, adopt, and how acupuncture changed one of their friends cousins sister-in-law’s fertility. So, then why be timid now? A simple, “I’m thinking of you today,” that’s all, nothing more. I can’t promise that I will not cry because I tear up just thinking of these words.

I thought that I would be okay to work. I work mostly every Mother’s day. That is what you do when you don’t have children or a close relationship with your own mother.  But this Mother’s day I felt resentful, hurt, ignored, and abandoned. Not by my husband or cats who got me an obligatory Mother’s day card and woke my husband and me up by snuggling just like how I used to wake up my parents and grandparents, another reminder that we do not have a baby there like we should have.

Miscarriages are not to be ignored. The people who have shared our journey; who we shared our secret with before we miscarried could at lease acknowledge that we lost a part of our family. I guess hallmark doesn’t make a card for that?

I am posting after Mother’s day because, in truth, many people did think about me but were too shy to say it on Mother’s day and I needed time to digest my feelings. I received 5 messages early on the Monday after. Each message brought me to tears. There are two links below that were shared with me by two people who had the courage to face my tears. Tears that I have probably held back, telling myself that it was God’s will and that it was his way of saying that this will happen on his time.  I believe it was his will, and I also believe that I still may never have children if that is also his will. But this Mother’s day I needed to feel these tears fogging up my glasses, to mourn what I suppressed, that I too, am now a mother. I had a heart beat in my womb and it died there, because of this single heartbeat, this Mother’s day does matter.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bonding-time/2014/05/when-you-didnt-get-the-mother-you-deserved/

PMS, Premenopause, or just a worry-wart?

So it may have been foolish to think that the month after my D&C I would get pregnant, but I would be lying to everyone if I did not admit that those were my hopes. Every woman has PMS symptoms. For me, I have only experienced pregnancy once. That was right before Randy's second surgery, and I was so thoroughly convinced that I was experiencing really really really bad PMS that I overlooked the idea until I was nine days late. My breasts were so sore. As if they went jogging on their own half marathon sore. I said several times that I could not wait till I my period to finally start.

This month I had the same symptoms, sore, tender, vulnerable, helpless, breasts. Which is also a perimenopause symptom to throw a fly in the ointment. Pregnancy, PMS, and Menopause all have the same effect on women. Feeling crappy. How is a woman to know which she is experiencing. This is why we have turned into a bunch of hypochondriacs looking up every symptom on sites like WebMD. Every generation has new names for menstruation, "aunt Flow", "surfing the crimson wave", "Shark week" (a name a young friend of mine introduced me to), "riding the cotton pony", "Dexter is in town" (after the Showtime Series). I will just hope for the best. If I am starting menopause, there is nothing I can really do about it anyway. Maybe I will just search on Google tonight; just in case.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

New year, new conception

With the New Year, I have gotten new caution. I’m sure many of my TTC couples would come to my defense. But, instead I'm sure that children are a life changer. How can anyone ever be prepared or for that matter to be absolutely 100% sure about parenthood? I’m sure that there are many who can, but I struggle daily with what I want for lunch. What I will say is that I am very frugal, and the cost that my husband and I have incurred is not even a tenth of what anyone going through IVF is going to incur.

The truth is there was I time I was desperate and also a time that I dread becoming a parent. Now in hindsight it may never happen, but I am not giving up and if it never happens I can adopt. With my own mother/daughter experience, I don’t believe birth makes someone a true mother.  

This caution came from my aunt, who after my surgery asked me if I was pregnant yet, one of her favorite lines.  I mentioned that I was not pregnant, and that I am at peace as to whether it happens or not. I told her how I see parents struggling with the financial responsibility of having children, and I that I would place my faith in God. She quickly mentioned how she wants to be stuck in the same boat as her.

The very day of my D&C, I told her how my doctor’s appointment was. She said, “be careful what you wish for”. Even now I do not know what to reply. Either I should try and get pregnant or I shouldn’t? I didn’t ask. She thinks that she had an infertility issue because she and her husband tried for over a year with their second child. What I do know is that my husband did not undergo two painful surgeries only for us to end this project. I know that there is no fairness in insurance, and I am pretty sure that the ACA is not going to change that. I know that we were lucky that the insurance paid for my husband’s surgery. I know that my fertility drugs were expensive as were our IUI’s. I know that my paperwork for my D&C approval stated abortion and my insurance covered it with the exception of my copay. I know that terminating a life is covered while trying to procreate is very expensive.  I leave you with information from the Planned Parenthood healthcare center’s website. Think about life, and the cost that can be attached to those who are trying to conceive, and those who are trying not to. Our current government wants taxpayers to pay for birth control. That takes money out of the pockets of those battling a more expensive infertility journey than my own.

© All original content copyright Nancy De Lazzaro Brannum, 2013-2014

"In-Clinic Abortion Procedures at a Glance

Medical procedures that end pregnancy

Safe and effective

Available from many Planned Parenthood health centers

Costs about $300–$950 in the first trimester

Nationwide, the cost at health centers ranges from about $300 to $1,700 for abortion in the first trimester. The cost is usually more for a second-trimester abortion. Costs vary depending on how long you've been pregnant and where you go. Hospitals generally cost mor.e” (plannedparenthood.org)

plannedparenthood.org abortion info